life imitates mary worth

Sometimes there's so much i want to say about Mary Worth that I don't even know where to start. Sunday's Mary Worth was just one of those times. I can't begin to do it justice, so I'll start with a fashion commentary. On Thanksgiving, the Hemingway Complex was grateful for Mary's sweet outfits. I mean, the bike outfit/helmet-newsboy cap, fancy blouse on the week/day that she went to pick up Chester, and old lady outfit when putting up fliers. But then, like life, Mary Worth confounds us once again.

On Sunday, she puts on the same outfit that she was wearing for a whole week just the day before yesterday! (Yes, i realize the purple pants are different but same sweater. They couldn't design a new/old old lady sweater? Maybe with a freakin marlin on it or some crap? Maybe a holiday sweater. She could stand to celebrate Christmas since she totally ignored Thanksgiving.) How's this chick have a doctor boyfriend and the Hemingway Complex doesn't??!!! So unfair.

Back before the days of the Hemingway Complex (the website), the Hemingway Complex (the author) was searching for some guidance, especially to navigate confusing relationships in this day and age. The Hemingway Complex thought, who better than Mary Worth to give one no-nonsense, morally appropriate advice to deal with booty text messages and ridiulous truth-fearing suitors who don't even have a top sheet? And the answer came on Sunday. In the form of a raincheck and pointless manipulation. A level of relationship mastery to which the Hemingway Complex can only aspire. Guess I should go get dressed now. Maybe I'll dig up whatever I was wearing two days ago and pretend I have other dudes here at the house...

A dangerous game

You're playing a dangerous game, Mary Worth.

First, Dr. Jeff Cory asks you to hang out with him, and this is what you have to say:

Check out how well Dr. Jeff Cory takes the news. Then, instead of explaining your joke, you say this:

Dr. Jeff Cory's reactions seemed to be startled silence. (? followed by ! which I think is comic strip-speak for WTF?) Now would be a good time to say "Hey, guess what, boyfriend - after taking an extremely long bike ride and apparently not speaking to you for a week, I got a dog!" Then maybe he would chuckle at your sense of humor. But Mary, you are a woman of questionable choices, and Dr. Jeff Cory is a man of action, so this is what happens:

You can totally tell that the authors erased his rage-filled grimace and drew in that smile at the last second. And now for the twist:

See, up until now, the joke was that Dr. Drew Cory knew what was going on and came over to see the dog. But apparently Mr. Allergies didn't know she had a pet. So what on earth did he think was happening? Did he really want to meet some guy Mary was blowing him off for? Was Moy drawing up until then and Giella took over and came up with the brilliant plot twist of Allergies?

Since none of this makes any sense, we are going to have another look at that second strip and take note of the fact that Mary lives in one of those MC Escher-ish vortexes where perspective is all warped. In the first panel, she's standing in front of a door. In the second, she is standing in the same place but the door is about 10 feet away and she's actually in a different room. Then, that hall table: did she saw a few inches off the legs on one side? Or maybe there's a hole right there? And though at first those bowls on top of the TV stand appear to be way out of reach, the second panel reveals that Mary's height is variable and she is now just about eye level with them. Poor Chester, he must feel like he's still sick. Dr. Jeff Cory probably diagnoses himself with inner ear trouble every time he walks in, which is probably why the lovers only speak every few weeks.

I'm at a loss. i mean, i guess mary never had cause to go to a pet store before, having never checked the charterstone rules re: pets etc, but what in god's name is the point of this post??? and what's even up with the second panel? like, are they good prices or is mary being sarcastic?? i wanted to post yesterday, but couldn't wrap my head around it, they're all putting up signs, and then mary's like, chester was unconscious, (like this is news? wouldn't she have told toby that before?) and then, oh, since he was unconscious, he'll need a dog bed, like if it weren't for the lapse in consciousness, he wouldn't need a bed? does mary have dementia? are karen and joe totally loaded? what's happening?? i do have to say i love mary's old lady clothes though. her outfits over the past 3 days (several weeks) have been spectacular in their appropriateness. in stark contrast to the appropriateness of anything mary worth is saying. everyone please take a moment out of your day to give thanks for good prices on pet beds and inappropriate use of quotations marks!!!!

Toby, you pink-pants-suit-wearing killjoy. Why can't you just go back to creating miniature art or not having marital relations with the Professor. (I know, wtf, right? but apparently that's what she's supposed to be doing. http://www.kingfeatures.com/features/comics/mworth/charactMaina.htm )

First she crushes Mary Worth's joy in her new friend, deflates her insane, misguided sense of self-importance and goodness for picking up a cute dog, and then has the audacity to offer to help her put up signs like she's Mary's friend. She crazy. Not sure why she's doing this. Check out her fake smile in panel two. (on your own, as my computer is acting up.)

Mary was happy with Chester. He was her gift. Dr. Jeff Cory and his two-toned hair don't make her happy or she would have married his ass by now. She's only using him for free meals at the Bum Boat, and obviously she can't count on his screw-up kids like she would be able to count on Chester. I had a moment of true sadness in anticipation of the long, drawn-out goodbye in our future. Tears may be shed at The Hemingway Complex.

But, since we are an incurable optimist when it comes to love and Mary Worth, let's look on the bright side.

1. This epic journey is sure to introduce us to more and more insane characters, and maybe Mary will fall in love with one of them. Perhaps the portly fellow romping with that other dog who looked like the Professor. He could come back to Charterstone, and then the authors would be totally screwed because they wouldn't know how to draw them to look different except dog dude would be wearing a sweatshirt and have longer hair. and a dog. Whereas the professor would be wearing a suit and being more arrogant and maybe drunk. Plus a Mary/Dr. Dunce Corey/random weirdo love triangle would be sweet.

2. Well, at least maybe now we can stop hearing about how good and charitable Mary is and what a big heart she has. That was getting on my last nerve. Except maybe not, because now she's all, finding his real owners is the Right Thing To Do. Giving is Better Than Receiving. I'm too nauseated to think of any more cliches. I'll let Mary thing of them for me over the next two-three weeks. Looking forward to a Thanksgiving platitude of some kind.

Also, I saw Chester in my neighbor's garage three days ago. He was playing ball with some kids and he looked v. happy.

Mary's going to win

Look, she admitted it! She's having heart trouble!

Sure, she's speaking in parable, but that's what Mary does. Third-party passive aggression only. And, as we were taught in our Puritan Sunday-School classes, if you brag about your charity, is it really charity? Sorry, Mary, but God says you disqualified your own questionably kind act by talking about it nonstop since early October. Take it from someone who spoke Aramaic and was literate 2,000 years ago (not us, the Bible): Don't let your left hand know what your right is doing! Surely a homeboy of your caliber knows that. Anyway, now we know what is worrying the good widow so.

And Toby's totally backpedalling. She's like, "Sorry, Mary! I just meant . . . maybe if you bring the dog back you can collect a reward. You are so full of heart! And charity!" But really inside she's like "Oh, crap."

Suddenly, it's all about death.

Of course, Mary. It's all for his sake.
Listen, when did Mary Worth start getting so heavy? All this grandstanding about helping out animals is really a lead-in to worries about one's own mortality? Typical Mary to passive-aggressively project her anxiety onto someone else, in this case Chester. Notice how Toby leans in significantly to murmur about the fliers, so Chester won't hear. She doesn't need to, because Chester is busy . . . flying? Allergic? Getting stung by a bee that's on the roses? Anyway, he's busy, plus a dog, and not concerned with what Mary's up to: preparing for death!

She's been making her argument for weeks now: Animals help people live longer and keep them healthy. What's clearly on her mind is her own health and longevity. Is Mary sick? (What do people in Mary's world get sick with, anyway? Rickets? Sometimes they are drawn as if they have rickets. I don't know that anyone in the strip has ever had a disease. Even the Vietnamese orphans, in their brief and bizarre appearance, smiled from their beds.) Mary would be the first one ever to succumb to illness . . . and her only hope is Chester!

You know what this means, right? Mary is desperate. Toby's the instigator and the only one who knows that he's not really Mary's dog. Check out Mary's crossed arms and her look of deranged determination in the last panel. Something terrible is going to befall Toby!
Possible outcomes:
-Toby drowns in the Charterstone pool
-Toby falls off a horse
-Professor Cameron finds Toby dead with dog bites on her. He blames werewolves. Bolstered by more unnatural phenomena, the psychic neighbor makes a comeback
-Mary offs Toby, then finds out that Dr. Jeff Cory lied when he diagnosed her. Dr. Jeff Cory defends himself, saying that he lied to get Mary to break her vow of chastity. Everyone has a good laugh and goes for a drink at the Bum Boat

the power to promote healing and prolong lives

I have a hunch that the writers take turns writing this strip. That's cool cause they each have 3-day weekends, but the other side is that it turns Mary Worth into one of those stories that you make in a creative writing group, where everybody writes a part and then passes it on, and the story line gets a little unclear while the multiple authors fight for control.

After Mary rambled on about the benefits of pets in our lives for a week, she launched into a new topic: "Pets Being Allowed At Charterstone." Uh-oh! She's going to have to put up a fight! This storyline lasted exactly two days, at which point we came back to the topic of "Benefits of Pets in Our Lives". Where are we going with this one? I think it's the new writer, Karen Moy, who's the young upstart trying to get things in motion, such as a plot that leads someplace. Meanwhile old Joe Giella is sabotaging the effort by having Mary blather on about animals for weeks at a time. Remember last summer when apparently Giella was on vacation, and there was that great rapid bit where the two-timer got caught in the act, and everything happened within one week, with lots of blazing backgrounds and awkwardly drawn horses? Then all of a sudden it all slowed down again. Guess Giella came back.

Anyway, has anybody noticed how many things in Mary's life are pink?
Besides her jaunty scarf and bike helmet/hat, now her neighbor's jumpsuit and even the couch are pink. It's also nice to see that Mary's living room is encased by framed pictures of lettuce.

bike safety

It took me a while to notice, but about a month into Mary's bike ride her helmet starts to look less and less like a helmet. By the time she gets to Spot 'N' Boots it has lost the straps; as she rides around spewing phrases of merit about animals the helmet gets smaller and flatter.

Eventually she is just wearing a jaunty pink newsboy cap.

Is she returning to her youthful days spent bicycling around barns?

multi-tasking

also, mary worth is moving way too fast for me these days. you mean to say she stopped off at petco on the way home from freakin spot n boots and bought those bowls and leash, and in one panel she's going to check the condo board rules she happens to have handy in that table??? this would have taken like 80 strips before. my head is spinning....

duh

um, like mary needs any permission. she rules that condo board with an iron fist. and isn't a million dollars kind of a lot of money for an oldster like mary worth to conceptualize? it's too modern - she should think in terms of a two dollar question or some such. not like she watches deal or no deal. sersly.

the enabler

What sort of moral lesson is this? And from the Mary Worth who used to approve of Dawn slapping people. Vera's all tough love and Mary's all "Daddy didn't mean it." I hope Vera doesn't listen to her.

the gripper

This is a classic Mary moment - interfering in other people's lives and saying cliches. But don't be lulled into thinking that Mary is well-intentioned or about to offer Vera some sugar cookies, because check out that hand! Mary only grips people when she is about to take over their soul. Letting her grab you is like telling a vampire, "Come over anytime." She does a sort of hand gesture when she's going to the dark side: gripping their hand, not really holding it, but sort of mangling their hand with her own suddenly out-of-proportion one. Look out, Vera!