Mary's Premonition

Friends, hold on, because you are never going to believe this. Like the Hemingway Complex, you probably assumed that New Country Road, site of Mary's long ride through the countryside, labelled by Toby as "a good place to think", and the scene of Chester's . . . whatever befell Chester, was a figment of the limitless imagination of Giella and Moy. I mean, that's what makes sense.

But tonight, as Hemingway Complex watched Premonition, we recieved the shock of our life. Because there in the fiery climax, which even if you just saw the previews you will recall as the scene in which a semi blindsides a car as it explodes and Sandra Bullock is running down the rural highway toward it screaming and you are holding your breath thinking holy crap - there in the background is a street with a sign labelling it New Country Road.

I know! I know! We are beside ourselves! Because this means that all that time, Mary was bicycling through the world of the collective imagination, and that at any moment she could've collided with a tanker truck which for all we know was also in the imagination of the imagined character of Sandra Bullock. AND that that's what happened to Chester! He was injured in a Hollywood stunt! Chester was a casualty of Premonition.

bum boat and relationship pitfalls

1. Either jeff can't park at all, or some other dunce is about to drive really slowly into the bumboat! omg!!!!

2. Mary, never date a guy who says "folks."

3. Also, does Mary drink alcohol?

"Bless you, dear."

Oh, goodness. First Toby tells her to give her new pet back. Then Jeff is allergic . . . and within MINUTES of walking into her house he tells her to choose between him and it! Between Jeff and the dog! Between a boyfriend she hardly sees since she "rescued" him from Vietnam on the psychic's advice (New readers: Check out them archives. That shit is magical!) and the pet she's been crediting with life-healing properties, who she maybe has already killed Toby in order to keep. Just what kind of position does Dr. Jeff Cory think he's in? Perhaps he is feeling extra desirable because he just dyed his hair? It used to be two-tone, grey and brown; now he has silver highlights. Anyway, weren't they about to go out to dinner? I thought we were headed back to the Bum Boat.

Hey, and check out the arm chub in panel two. Suddenly Mary has elephantiasis over there. Maybe that's why she's been wearing this same outfit for several days - she can't get out of it! Whew - she's not manic after all. By the way, what on earth is behind her head?

life imitates mary worth

Sometimes there's so much i want to say about Mary Worth that I don't even know where to start. Sunday's Mary Worth was just one of those times. I can't begin to do it justice, so I'll start with a fashion commentary. On Thanksgiving, the Hemingway Complex was grateful for Mary's sweet outfits. I mean, the bike outfit/helmet-newsboy cap, fancy blouse on the week/day that she went to pick up Chester, and old lady outfit when putting up fliers. But then, like life, Mary Worth confounds us once again.

On Sunday, she puts on the same outfit that she was wearing for a whole week just the day before yesterday! (Yes, i realize the purple pants are different but same sweater. They couldn't design a new/old old lady sweater? Maybe with a freakin marlin on it or some crap? Maybe a holiday sweater. She could stand to celebrate Christmas since she totally ignored Thanksgiving.) How's this chick have a doctor boyfriend and the Hemingway Complex doesn't??!!! So unfair.

Back before the days of the Hemingway Complex (the website), the Hemingway Complex (the author) was searching for some guidance, especially to navigate confusing relationships in this day and age. The Hemingway Complex thought, who better than Mary Worth to give one no-nonsense, morally appropriate advice to deal with booty text messages and ridiulous truth-fearing suitors who don't even have a top sheet? And the answer came on Sunday. In the form of a raincheck and pointless manipulation. A level of relationship mastery to which the Hemingway Complex can only aspire. Guess I should go get dressed now. Maybe I'll dig up whatever I was wearing two days ago and pretend I have other dudes here at the house...

A dangerous game

You're playing a dangerous game, Mary Worth.

First, Dr. Jeff Cory asks you to hang out with him, and this is what you have to say:

Check out how well Dr. Jeff Cory takes the news. Then, instead of explaining your joke, you say this:

Dr. Jeff Cory's reactions seemed to be startled silence. (? followed by ! which I think is comic strip-speak for WTF?) Now would be a good time to say "Hey, guess what, boyfriend - after taking an extremely long bike ride and apparently not speaking to you for a week, I got a dog!" Then maybe he would chuckle at your sense of humor. But Mary, you are a woman of questionable choices, and Dr. Jeff Cory is a man of action, so this is what happens:

You can totally tell that the authors erased his rage-filled grimace and drew in that smile at the last second. And now for the twist:

See, up until now, the joke was that Dr. Drew Cory knew what was going on and came over to see the dog. But apparently Mr. Allergies didn't know she had a pet. So what on earth did he think was happening? Did he really want to meet some guy Mary was blowing him off for? Was Moy drawing up until then and Giella took over and came up with the brilliant plot twist of Allergies?

Since none of this makes any sense, we are going to have another look at that second strip and take note of the fact that Mary lives in one of those MC Escher-ish vortexes where perspective is all warped. In the first panel, she's standing in front of a door. In the second, she is standing in the same place but the door is about 10 feet away and she's actually in a different room. Then, that hall table: did she saw a few inches off the legs on one side? Or maybe there's a hole right there? And though at first those bowls on top of the TV stand appear to be way out of reach, the second panel reveals that Mary's height is variable and she is now just about eye level with them. Poor Chester, he must feel like he's still sick. Dr. Jeff Cory probably diagnoses himself with inner ear trouble every time he walks in, which is probably why the lovers only speak every few weeks.

I'm at a loss. i mean, i guess mary never had cause to go to a pet store before, having never checked the charterstone rules re: pets etc, but what in god's name is the point of this post??? and what's even up with the second panel? like, are they good prices or is mary being sarcastic?? i wanted to post yesterday, but couldn't wrap my head around it, they're all putting up signs, and then mary's like, chester was unconscious, (like this is news? wouldn't she have told toby that before?) and then, oh, since he was unconscious, he'll need a dog bed, like if it weren't for the lapse in consciousness, he wouldn't need a bed? does mary have dementia? are karen and joe totally loaded? what's happening?? i do have to say i love mary's old lady clothes though. her outfits over the past 3 days (several weeks) have been spectacular in their appropriateness. in stark contrast to the appropriateness of anything mary worth is saying. everyone please take a moment out of your day to give thanks for good prices on pet beds and inappropriate use of quotations marks!!!!

Toby, you pink-pants-suit-wearing killjoy. Why can't you just go back to creating miniature art or not having marital relations with the Professor. (I know, wtf, right? but apparently that's what she's supposed to be doing. http://www.kingfeatures.com/features/comics/mworth/charactMaina.htm )

First she crushes Mary Worth's joy in her new friend, deflates her insane, misguided sense of self-importance and goodness for picking up a cute dog, and then has the audacity to offer to help her put up signs like she's Mary's friend. She crazy. Not sure why she's doing this. Check out her fake smile in panel two. (on your own, as my computer is acting up.)

Mary was happy with Chester. He was her gift. Dr. Jeff Cory and his two-toned hair don't make her happy or she would have married his ass by now. She's only using him for free meals at the Bum Boat, and obviously she can't count on his screw-up kids like she would be able to count on Chester. I had a moment of true sadness in anticipation of the long, drawn-out goodbye in our future. Tears may be shed at The Hemingway Complex.

But, since we are an incurable optimist when it comes to love and Mary Worth, let's look on the bright side.

1. This epic journey is sure to introduce us to more and more insane characters, and maybe Mary will fall in love with one of them. Perhaps the portly fellow romping with that other dog who looked like the Professor. He could come back to Charterstone, and then the authors would be totally screwed because they wouldn't know how to draw them to look different except dog dude would be wearing a sweatshirt and have longer hair. and a dog. Whereas the professor would be wearing a suit and being more arrogant and maybe drunk. Plus a Mary/Dr. Dunce Corey/random weirdo love triangle would be sweet.

2. Well, at least maybe now we can stop hearing about how good and charitable Mary is and what a big heart she has. That was getting on my last nerve. Except maybe not, because now she's all, finding his real owners is the Right Thing To Do. Giving is Better Than Receiving. I'm too nauseated to think of any more cliches. I'll let Mary thing of them for me over the next two-three weeks. Looking forward to a Thanksgiving platitude of some kind.

Also, I saw Chester in my neighbor's garage three days ago. He was playing ball with some kids and he looked v. happy.